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Closing the chapter

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It feels like the world is moving on. That despite what terrible things occur, life continues and time keeps passing by. It’s just how the world works… even though it feels extremely foreign to you right now when you seem stuck in this one reality. For me, we inch forward day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Some days are good, some are just not. The balance changes and shifts like loose sand beneath your feet. You can’t quite get balance and you shuffle back and forward. You need something to hold onto.  They say going through hard times makes you stronger. Is that really true though, when the thing that gives you your strength in the hard times is the one who’s now gone. Where does the strength come from then…  It’s all part of the process. Grief is a sneaky enemy. It hides away quietly and suddenly out of nowhere when you are sailing along, perhaps a bit complacent, it reaches and grabs you fully and you feel absorbed by it. Luckily over time it doesn’t come as often and int...
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I met my younger self for coffee #1

A  wonderful tik  tok  trend, but in a slightly different way…my own version  I didn’t meet my younger   self for coffee. Because I cancelled on her.  How could I meet with her. I would have to tell her  the news. That  her dreams will not be reached. She  is about to  loose  her soulmate, her heart horse, her best friend  in such a tragic way .  I would have to watch her face turn from joy to pain, because of my words.  Once they are  spoken  I cannot take it back for her. I won’t be able to make it right.  She is so happy , so full of plans and adventures they are planning . She has no idea what is about to happen , that he r world will fall apart.  It’s not fair that I do that to her.  Yet. I would have to tell her t hat  she  had so many memorable moments, achievements and success.  Adventures that filled her heart with joy and pride in herself and her horse.  But it al...
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I met my younger self for coffee #2

  2 years later… I met my younger self for coffee.  I didn’t cancel  this time. We were both  early, eager to meet . She ordered a  te a  (coffee is too bitter) . I ordered a latte.  She wore jeans and a pretty shirt and heels . I wore tights and a hoodie and runners. It’s funny how time changes us.  She said she was anxious ,   uni  was hard, especially while working. She wanted to  quit ,  it was her last year though . I told her my  uni  degree opened the door for me to step into a wonderful successful career. To have so many opportunities I wouldn’t have had before. I was glad I worked  hard ,  my independence is a result of that.  She was in awe of the life I described. It’s what she dreams of.  She said she was a bit  lost,   she has no hobbies besides the gym. S he loves riding but it’s been a while since she rode and h er confidence is not what it used to be after that fall . ...
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If you think ‘it ’ s just a horse’ then this blog is  definitely not  for you. This is for those of us who know our horses are our life,  inherently  our reason for getting up every day and being  the best  we can.    On Sunday 19 th  January 2025, my beautiful Cali was diagnosed with septic shock/peritonitis, secondary to intestinal rupture from an extremely large enterolith.  Unfortunately  there was no resolution for this and Cali joined the angels that day.   The purpose of this is purely to document my own personal experience.  And if by chance I help or educate others in the process, then that is absolutely a bonus. I won’t be talking the technicalities of it all, you can certainly do the research and read so much about it .  In my case, this is in a way one part of the healing process.    I will preface this however, that yes, this is hard and heavy , all the things , but sadness can also co-exist wit...
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