Closing the chapter

It feels like the world is moving on. That despite what terrible things occur, life continues and time keeps passing by. It’s just how the world works… even though it feels extremely foreign to you right now when you seem stuck in this one reality.

For me, we inch forward day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Some days are good, some are just not. The balance changes and shifts like loose sand beneath your feet. You can’t quite get balance and you shuffle back and forward. You need something to hold onto. 

They say going through hard times makes you stronger. Is that really true though, when the thing that gives you your strength in the hard times is the one who’s now gone. Where does the strength come from then… 

It’s all part of the process. Grief is a sneaky enemy. It hides away quietly and suddenly out of nowhere when you are sailing along, perhaps a bit complacent, it reaches and grabs you fully and you feel absorbed by it. Luckily over time it doesn’t come as often and intensity dulls. Never leaves. Just more manageable as time passes. You can never predict when it’s going to appear though. You just wave the white flag and let it come and go, pass through on its journey. 

New opportunities start to present themselves and whilst you feel a glimmer of hope, excitement that maybe you can start finding a new normal, it just as much feels quite like you are closing the chapter. I think that’s ok. It’s just the chapter, not the entire book. Opening up a fresh page which is ready to record so many new and wonderful memories and moments. A wonderful novel is made up of so many different chapters, each of which define who you are and where you may go. So you decide to start writing the next one. That’s your little glimpse of sunshine, motivation to keep moving forward into the unknown just for this moment. I’m sure that the path will become clear once you take a few steps.  

Moving forward doesn’t mean forgotten. Never ever forgotten. In fact it’s taking your strength each day from the memories that now live on your wall, or in your mind, reminding you to go out and be epic. Live life. Discover love for your horse and the sport again. It’s still there, it’s just been filed away for a moment. It needed to be, but it’s time to dust it off and make it a priority once again. 

I look back on the events that have transpired. And I’ll admit I’ve never really believed too much in messages from the universe, but I think differently now. There are so many messages. Perhaps Cali knew, she was setting us up for when she was no longer here. Or perhaps it’s the brains own way of trying to process everything and make sense of something that just doesn’t make sense. Either way, there is comfort in knowing it could be her way of looking after us. I choose to believe that. 

The path ahead is a lot of 2 steps forward, 1 step back. All very normal. However you reach a point where you feel ready to take 2 giant steps forward and start planning once again. Being able to feel excitement to go back into the ring, to your friends, to where you were before. And the truth is it’s going to take a damn long time to accept it’s your normal now but there’s no other choice. The only choice is to do her proud and live life now in her spirit of courage, strength and confidence. The most amazing gift she could’ve given me is learning to trust myself and be kind to myself. I’ve never been that. 

And you know you are doing ok when you can look back through your memories being both proud and grateful. There’s a lesson in everything we do or that happens to us. Sometimes you just have to look that little bit harder to find what it is. 

Her presence remains. In the sunrise each morning or sunset at evening. In a rainbow that ends the storm or the fresh smell of rain that’s welcome. Even in that first smell of coffee each morning. We chose how to give meaning to these ordinary things to make them extra ordinary. 

Never forgotten, always and forever remembered🫶🏻🦄